The Only Christmas Playlist You Need
From someone who wishes he could skip directly from Advent to Good Friday
I do not like the cold.
I despise nearly everything about winter.
I grade days the same way I grade papers, on the Fahrenheit scale. If the temperature is above 90, it’s a solid B or maybe even an A, and all is well. Below 60, and it’s a total failure.
The Problem with December 25
Unfortunately, the publishers of calendars insist on continuing to schedule Christmas on December 25, which means that—for those of us who live on the top half of the planet—Christmas always takes place in the winter. As a result, my feelings about Christmas are rather ambivalent. I want to like Christmas, but Christmas always seems to be accompanied by days that are colder and shorter and darker and sadder than summer.
In the winter of 411, Augustine of Hippo preached a sermon in which he suggested that God created the seasons themselves with death and resurrection already in mind. In other words, winter exists because God already had the death of Jesus in mind at creation, and spring exists because God had already planned the resurrection of the dead when he made the world. According to Augustine,
The whole of creation speaks of resurrection. … Everything is cut off from autumn to winter, but it comes back again through spring into the summer. (Sermo 361)
“The whole creation speaks of resurrection,” Augustine reminds us, and life always “comes back again.”
These are beautiful sentiments in the spring, when the new-budded dogwood tree reminds me that Jesus is risen.
They do not feel nearly as beautiful to me in the darkened womb and death-cold tomb of winter.
Nevertheless, I do try to enjoy Christmas, mostly for the sake of my wife and children.
And so, I look for holiday music that I can enjoy—which is difficult at times, since so many of these songs exult in abominations like snowmen, snowstorms, sleighs, and a vast assortment of sappy sentimentalities that somehow intersect with the cold.
Still, I have managed to find a handful of Christmas albums that I’m able not merely to stomach but to enjoy even after repeated listenings, plus two songs that I can only describe as dishonorable mentions. This music, which is solely based on my own personal taste—which is incorrigible, indubitable, and infallible on this matter—is the only Christmas music you will ever need.
The Only Christmas Albums You Need
Christmas Songs, by Bad Religion: Punk arrangements of Christmas hymns and holiday songs, performed with a surprising degree of faithfulness and reverence given that the lead singer is a vocal atheist. (“Lead singer is a vocal atheist,” get it? I may not like winter, but my bad pun and dad joke game is as strong as ever, even in the cold.) This is by far my favorite Christmas album ever, because it sticks to the traditional hymns and lyrics in all their scandal without the slightest scrap of sentimentality. To learn more about Bad Religion, check out this episode of The Apologetics Podcast: “The Evidential Problem of Evil.”
Winter Wilderness and Sleddin’ Hill, by August Burns Red: Sublime guitar tones, frenetic drumming, and pounding bass mingle in these two metallic Christmas albums that are heavy without ever being gimmicky.
Christmas ‘64, by Jimmy Smith: Jazz that is so, so good, from the undisputed master of the Hammond B-3 organ. Joyous and buoyant but never merely sentimental, with brilliant reinterpretations of familiar tunes.
A Charlie Brown Christmas, by Vince Guaraldi Trio: Melancholy at times, much like every aspect of the weather and life and everything in the world during winter, but there are just enough lilts of joy here and there to keep me from packing up the car and driving south.
The Gift, by 116: A late addition to the list! Hymns beautifully and reverently reinterpreted with plenty of hip hop twists and a handful of all-new compositions.
A Couple of Guilty Pleasures
There are two other songs I enjoy in this season for reasons that I cannot rationally defend, because they are both terrible songs. I blame it on the effect that cold weather and darker days have on my head, because I would never dream of listening to either song amid the glories of a scorching summer when sunlight stretches long into the evenings and baseball stadiums are filled with fans.
“Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home),” by U2: Originally performed by Darlene Love for a Christmas compilation in 1963, “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)” was recorded by U2 around the same time as Rattle and Hum. Even as a U2 fan who enjoys most of Rattle and Hum, I must concede that everything that was wrong with Rattle and Hum is on full display in this song. Bono is straining far too hard to sound like Elvis in the opening seconds of the song, and the entire production bleeds with the Dubliner’s pretentious positioning of himself as the next great chapter in the history of American music. And yet, the reverb-drenched guitars, the driving shuffle, and the sheer bombast of it all somehow lifts my spirits every time I hear it.
“Last Christmas,” by Wham!: This song is so embarrassing that I almost didn’t admit that I listen to it. Yet it’s so catchy that I always end up sneaking it in a couple of times before the holidays are over. The best—and worst—aspect of this song is that it has almost nothing to do with Christmas beyond the phrase “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.” You can substitute any two-syllable annual event for the word “Christmas,” and the entire song makes every bit as much sense. “Last Easter, I gave you my heart” works as well as “Last Christmas.” Substituting “Last New Year’s” actually sounds better and makes a lot more sense. Change it to “Last Supper, I gave you my heart, and the very next day you gave it away” and it could be a song sung by Jesus to Judas in Jesus Christ, Superstar. You can even turn it into a song about the celebration of Esther’s victory over Haman: “Last Purim, I gave you my heart.” And still—despite being one of the worst Christmas songs that doesn’t involve Santa Claus or a felony (here’s looking at you, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” a song so despicably criminal that it should truly should never be played again anywhere)—“Last Christmas” by Wham! always manages to land on one of my playlists before the end of the year. Sad, but true.
So there you have it, folks, every Christmas album or song you’ll ever need, all in one place.
That’s just one of the many bonuses you receive when you subscribe to The Apologetics Newsletter. Thank you again for your support!